All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize