I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
