Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
