And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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