You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize