you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
