hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
