I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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