70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
