I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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