I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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