It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
