bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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