She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
