I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
