Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize