There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
