took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
