I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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