just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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