Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
dude. I can hear the air.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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