A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
