I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
