I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize