May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
