our cab driver is having phone sex.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
