I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
