I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
