Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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