I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
