You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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