It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
