I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
