omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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