No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
