My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
