Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
