is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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