literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
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