Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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