Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She said her name was "party"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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