need another drink. this is the easiest way
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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