We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Let's paint friendship bongs
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
