my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
