Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
