Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
