Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize