Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
