It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
