The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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