Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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