My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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