I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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