My ATM looks so different sober.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
