so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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