I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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