i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
