My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
