Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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