The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
