just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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