I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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